Getting back my edge

Or did I ever have one? What exactly is an "edge" anyway? To me , its the competitive drive and focus that helps me to achieve a better performance and reach my goals. To others, it might mean something slightly different, but I think we all would agree it comes from within.

I had this edge 16 months ago when I was preparing to run CIM in December of 2004. I was in great shape, almost at the perfect weight, and running faster than I ever had before. I was certain I was on my way. Shortly thereafter I began to train for the 2005 Rock 'n Roll Marathon in San Diego. Somewhere in my training....maybe around 12 to 13 weeks in....I lost the edge. I took for granted that I had recovered from CIM and was running injury free in such a short period of time. I took for granted that I just threw up PRs in the 5K and 10K with what seemed like minimal effort. I took for granted the fact that a schedule was in place for a reason...Which led to a complete breakdown in my final weeks of training and taper.

Sure, I was ready for RNR in June...I was certainly ready. I was going to beat my time at CIM, get a new marathon PR, and qualify for Boston 2006. All that was well planned and was written as a solid goal. Missing a day or two here and there didn't seem to matter. Neither did the longer taper runs that I had missed because I had other obligations that presented schedule conflicts. I pushed all that off and didn't think about it one bit, until mile 15....

At mile 15 of RNR, I don't know what happened. I was right on pace to beat 3:10, but my breathing suddenly accelerated. I tried slowing he pace up a little and changed my stride, but nothing seemed to work. Suddenly, there I was in front of an aid tent with dry heaves....and what I pretty sight it was. At this point I took in some water and began to feel better. I was back on pace in no time but soon enough was feeling like crap again.

Here is where the mental game took over and killed what "edge" I had left. I was internally asking myself "Why am I feeling this way?" Could have it been something I ate, drank, a supplement, not enough of this...too much of that, what was it? Then I began a self doubt spiral that led to my complete breakdown. "Was is the recovery days I missed earlier in May? " "Was my diet not right?" "Was it those taper runs I missed?" All of these questions and more came about....and there was nothing positive to be found.

Did I totally fail? No, not at all. I still put in a 3:26 race and never stopped to walk. I thought about it many times, but kept on running. The bottom line was that if I had my "edge", all of the negative effects would have been pushed aside, or not come about at all. I spent the next several months doing half-assed runs and finding reasons to avoid running with people. Shortly after that, I began running again but very slowly, nothing over 80%. I watched many fellow runners make huge leaps in their performance and running times, while I was stagnant and took steps backwards. Straight up....I was burnt out.

Now here in early 2006, I still feel like I have a long way to go. I am running stronger but not to where I should or could be. I went a long time without gaining any weight, but suddenly I am 6 to 7 pounds heavier. The track workouts that were a breeze last year are now almost impossible. Still, I feel each run getting better and have made an attitude adjustment. I can't worry about last year, last month, or last week. All I can do is focus n today and the future and set challenging but realistic goals. Chicago 2006 is not that far away in terms of training and conditioning, and I am determined to set a new PR.

I have done some searching...both within myself and through external sources. My "edge" is back, and is sharper than before! Where's your "edge"....have you had a sitdown with it lately?